See Bella here?  That is how I feel lately!

It has been forever since I have written. It has been a long, cold winter, but we really lacked in snow days, school wise, and otherwise.  Usually, and you can see this pattern in the blog, I have creative bursts in the winter; left stranded home, I need to write.  This year, weather has stunk, but the creative boost never came.  Why?  Facebook could be one reason/excuse -Ha!  Or maybe it is Twilight. Forging my way through all four tomes in quick succesion and thinking WAY TOO MUCH about teenage vampires COULD be a time sap, but I think it is more.  The question I find myself pondering a lot lately is where did MY time go?  I am feeling sapped of energy, of enthusiasm, of tolerance for many things.  Most of my frustration is a familiar one,  annoyance with familiarity itself.  Same job, same crappy weather, same problems, same same same. Spring will hopefully bring some renewal, as it is much needed.

And as an update, my guitar sits relatively unplayed, but lessons have been secured starting this Thursday.  I am just feeling I must "put it out there" again, to push myself.  Part of the lagging is fear of failure for sure.  My last musical foray, playing the flute, is about to become permanent...rental fees have put me $500 into the instrument, so at this point, about $100 more and I own it!  Am I even good?  No. I mean, I'm not bad either, but I have only made my way half way through the beginners book.  I do enjoy it, and it'll be there when I have time again.  Music has always been vitally important to me, and I played all through Jr. High and High School, and sang in College/Early Marriage.  (speaking of, I miss singing IMMENSELY, but that is a topic unto itself - remember singing is like running is like singing in so much as convenience...topic for another pensive Sunday) Getting back to "doing" music feels natural as breathing, but as an adult I just don't have as much time and, sadly, I want to be RIGHT.  When do we lose, or maybe not lose, but lessen, our ability to tap into that "try something new" attitude of childhood?  When do we start to fear?  More questions to ponder.

Speaking of music, we also got a piano this winter and Gwynn has begun lessons.  Music certainly restores the soul, but let's look at the intention of the music in my household.  My flute, essentially, was begun to help Devin start to play the trombone.  A piano arrived at my home, and lessons attained immediately for Gwynn, while my guitar sits and waits.  Maybe that is where my energy and creativity has gone of late, to helping, helping, helping a hell of a lot. Look, even, at what I do for a living.  I feel sapped?  WONDER WHY?  Always helping others, an energy sap, for sure.  

So, as much as I feel like Bella, holding on for dear life, falling into the abyss, circling the drain of sameness, perhaps I should look at things differently.  I AM holding on, and I AM taking some leaps, but they are what they are.  The chances I am taking right now, are the ones I am taking in order to enable my children to grow.  Perhaps I need to examine a phenomenon that is fully my life right now...I am in "pause" mode.  We were joking around at dinner and I said something like "I want to be a chef when I grow up,"  and Devin quickly retorted with "Yeah, but I get to go to college first!"  It was just a joking exchange, but it said so much.  My life right now is highly frustrating as it is ALL about others, it is all about maintaining the choices I have already made, but there is beauty in that as well.  I am helping my children grow...talk about something that is all about holding on and taking a big leap!  It'll be over, too, before I know it, I know, I know, I know...it is the time.  Just hold on.

-Cheryl